S2E4 Prioritizing Ourselves

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Kevin: Welcome everyone to another episode of the Reframeable podcast. The podcast that brings you people's stories and ideas about how we can work to reframe our relationship, not just with alcohol, but with stress, anxiety, relationships, enjoyment, and so much more because changing our relationship with alcohol is about so much more than changing the contents of our glass.

My name is Kevin Bellack. I'm a certified professional recovery coach and the head of coaching at the Reframe app.

Steph: And hey, I am Steph Prangley, I'm a recovery coach here at Reframe and a nutritional therapy practitioner. I have a virtual private practice called The Sober Rebellion, and I help Kevin host this awesome podcast too.

So let's get going for the day. Yeah. All right. "What's new with you?" In this segment? We'll talk briefly about what's going on in our lives, recovery or otherwise. So Kevin, why don't you tell us what's going on with you?

Kevin: What's going on with me [00:01:00] is I, yeah, it's been a, it's been a long week, I was feeling

not great yesterday, but you know, slept, tried to sleep a little bit more. And, uh, that seems to have helped. But, uh, no, everything is pretty much, going status quo at this point. I'm just looking forward to getting out of August. 'cause uh, I think when this podcast comes out, it'll be September, so that'll be good.

I'm compartmentalizing all of the things that happened into August and saying, once I get through this, it'll be better. Right. But that's, that's always my, uh, famous last words for myself.

Steph: Yeah, you just, you doomed yourself to a terrible September. So good luck with that.

Kevin: Nice. And, and then I still have one week left in August, so it's gonna be like, oh, you think that was bad here?

Yeah, but no, there you go. It was, it can't get, I am not even gonna say that. I'm not gonna go there. Um, it's fine. August was great. That's what I'm going for. Okay. Um, what about you? How's things, how are things going with you? Uh,

Steph: well, they've been kind of crappy too. Um, so as [00:02:00] you know, and I talked about this in my meeting the other day, um, I'll be having knee surgery and it's just bringing up a lot of weird emotions for me. Just not being able to do my normal, like movement stuff has been impacting me quite a bit. It sort of takes me back to, you know, we talked about how I had, like that health crisis that's part of my story. I was really, really sick and I was just kind of couch bound and that's when I started drinking a lot.

And I'm not triggered to drink. It's not like I have to urge surf or go through any cravings, but it's, it's like I'm romanticizing alcohol again. Like I'm noticing that where it's like, I know I don't wanna drink. I know that's not what I wanna do. I want to feel better. I don't wanna be like, like all of these activities and stuff that I do, it's not just to help keep me alcohol free and like fill the time. It's because that kind of stuff brings me joy and it's just, [00:03:00] it's been really hard. I've been really working on like acceptance that I. I feel angry and I feel sad and I feel scared, and, um, just like kind of accepting that I'm not gonna feel better for a while.

And that's okay too. Like just kind of, yeah. You know, riding the ebb and flow of life right now. Um, yeah, so that's a big thing with me.

Kevin: Yeah. Do you have, I mean, is that something that's scheduled now or do you have like a timeline?

Steph: Yeah, it's scheduled for September 14th as of right now. Okay. I might rebook it, but yeah, that was the soonest I could get in and it's not even that major, like my last knee surgery was a c l reconstruction plus meniscus.

This one is like some cartilage stuff and meniscus. Okay. It'll be like 20 minutes and I'll be able to walk outta there, so. Oh,

Kevin: okay. Um, and hopefully the recovery won't be too bad. [00:04:00] I understand like that's, that brought up a lot for me with my knee surgery last year, uh, which we can talk about if you want, but you've gone through this before too, so, you know, that was my first real one.

Um. But yeah, pain that, that triggered me and then, uh, being laid up for two months almost, um, was rough. And, uh, the way I, I kind of tried to trick my brain was like, okay, I can't do all the things I was doing before. I can't walk. I was trying to trick myself to be like, what else can I focus on? It's like the obstacle is the way, right? I can't do this, but what else can I work on and, and try and, um, improve. But that was, my brain knew I was trying to trick it. So it was tough. It was a tough road to, to go with that.

Steph: Yeah. I'm trying to get creative with what I can do instead of exercise and stuff.

I mean, it's, I, I can feel that, um, That just heaviness like in my chest, like Yeah. That I [00:05:00] describe with like overwhelm or anything like that. I can feel that because I usually sweat it out, you know? Um, yeah. I don't know what to do with that energy. I have been like getting my art supplies out and reading a little bit more and stuff like that, but it's just, there's still that pressure that I can feel that I just, I don't know what to do with it. I'm gonna try it. Infrared sauna, which I've done before, but I'm like, maybe if I just sweat a lot, it'll take care of it. Yeah. I don't really know.

Kevin: That works. Yeah. I'm, I'm not very, uh, artsy. But I had, I had Legos. Uh, I, I remember the, that first like week or two.

I was like putting together a Batmobile or something. 'cause I was like, okay, I need something to take my mind off it as I just sit here. Um, you know, and, but that's a great idea with the, with the sauna.

Steph: Yeah. I'll try that. Batmobile, did you get Legos?

Kevin: Yeah. Love Legos.

Steph: I actually have a Lego set. Yeah, I have one from the, like a friends', like the TV show [00:06:00] friends.

I have a friend's Lego set. Oh, okay. Maybe I'll play with that. And I have a serial killer, uh, coloring book. 'cause I dunno. I'm into the darker things like that.

Kevin: There you go. Uh, I think I have a, my coloring book I just got, my friend just got me, was a sad nuggie uh, coloring book. Little sad nugget chicken nugget.

Um, it's actually an Instagram page. It's kind of funny. Um, that's awesome. Yeah. Well, good luck. We should, we should. Maybe, maybe this is a topic for another, uh, podcast too.

Steph: Yeah, I, it's, it was always an ongoing joke, um, when I was an actuary, like I worked in medical, like I was a health insurance actuary, so I would always bring things back to knee surgery for me to understand like how operations worked. So maybe that'll be the ongoing joke here too. Outta three. Outta three recordings. We've talked about knees twice, so Yeah.

Kevin: Should we, should we cover your coffee consumption here as well?

Steph: Yeah. Right. That's going [00:07:00] well. I've cut back. Nice. I know everyone's just like unable to sleep at night 'cause they don't know what my coffee consumption is like.

So, exactly.

Kevin: Is she to decaf or is she back up to half?

Steph: It's quarter caff, so I'm, I'm splitting the difference. Yeah. All right. Let's move on to Shop Talk. Uh, in this segment we'll talk about a recovery related topic that's on our minds and yours. We hope to cover the topic from all angles and land somewhere actionable and helpful.

We'll also do our best to be concise. And if you have a topic you'd like us to cover on the podcast, please send an email to podcast@reframeapp.com. Or if you're on the Reframe app, just give it a shake and let us know what you want us to cover. Um, we can keep you confidential there as well. So today we're chatting about how to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty or [00:08:00] selfish.

Um, Kevin and I both here, community members frequently talk about how they'll feel kind of guilty for taking time for themselves, maybe feeling selfish, being pulled away from their family, or they simply don't know how to prioritize theirselves. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. We're sort of avoiding the word self-care, even though I think, you know, some people would call this self-care.

Do you wanna talk a little bit about why we reframed it to prioritizing self?

Kevin: Yeah. I mean, I, I would say self-care has become more of a marketing type term. Like, it brings about like thoughts of massages and, and facials and doing like things like to pamper yourself versus actually take care of yourself.

Uh, that's not always the case, obviously, but you know, I think self-care is just such a buzzword that I feel it loses a lot of its meaning and people kind of glaze over or [00:09:00] roll their eyes. I know, I do whenever I hear that. Um, and you know, so I think kind of thinking through the words a little differently that we use for it or, um, I even made a post a while ago, it was like thinking of self-care as a prescription.

It's not about like, Pampering yourself once in a while. It's about using it as a prescription to, Hey, this week I need four doses of walking outside. Uh, this week I need two doses a day of fruits and veggies, or six doses, whatever you're doing, whatever, wherever you're starting from.

Right? Or, or you just, you know, kind of doing, thinking of it as not really an option, um, or not really something that would be nice to do, but something that we should do to take care of ourself. What are your thoughts on that?

Steph: Yeah, I agree. It is just commercialized now. I mean, the way our world works it just goes so quickly from a concept that makes a whole lot of sense to something [00:10:00] that people can market and make money off of. And I totally agree that I see self-care, or we're calling it prioritizing self as the day-to-day activities more so than these infrequent indulgences. And I even like to say prioritizing yourself doesn't even mean something that you wanna do sometimes.

You know, like if you're sticking to, if you're working on sticking to a budget, like you're working on finances or something like that, like good self-care or prioritizing yourself would be not getting a massage, maybe. Like, maybe that doesn't fall into your budget. Yeah. But that's something that you could still see as something that you're doing to hook up your future self.

I, I'd like to put it in that terms too, or like, I don't know, flossing your teeth, like who wants to do that? That's a great example of self-care, you know? That's kind of why, yeah, why we're trying to steer clear of this self-care word. 'cause it is just, I don't know, it's turned into, it's, [00:11:00] I don't know, it just become different than what I think the purpose was maybe in the beginning.

Kevin: Yeah, definitely. As many of these things kind of do, right? They take on a life of their own and Oh yeah. People, people latch onto it and social media and all that. Just, you know, it changes things.

Steph: I mean, it's the same thing when you look at like a holistic nutrition or something like that.

Like what I deal with in my corner of the internet where it can be people who truly mean, like taking care of the whole body, nutrition and functional wellness practices and stuff like that. Or it can be people who get really into the woo woo stuff and it isn't, you know, it takes it maybe a step further and, um, will discourage like going to the doctor and stuff like that, or, You know, not wearing sunscreen.

Yeah. So

Kevin: it's, which is fine if you're totally covered up and like, like me, whenever I go out in the sun, like I don't like to wear sunscreen, but if I'm [00:12:00] out, like I'm putting the long sleeve shirt on a hat and all that, because Yeah, I have my artificial color on my, on me with tattoos. That's what, that's what I use.

Uh, I don't need anymore. Yeah.

Steph: Yeah. I hide from the sun too. That's why I'm always in long sleeves, even in the summer, because I just can't, I can't tolerate that. But I mean, okay, we're getting off topic, but you know what I mean? There's people who go like a little bit too far with the, um, like non-evidence based medicine and stuff like that.

I think, you know, self-care and even body positivity have been, you know, some terms that. Have a really like ethical and meaningful base, but have somehow become kind of bastardized by capitalism mostly. Yeah. Yep. All right. So I wanna talk about what prioritizing self looks like to each of us, and we kind of got into, um, what we like, what we mean by it.

Um, Where it's not like [00:13:00] self-indulgent or something like that. But do you wanna just take us through what that looks like to you?

Kevin: For me, it's lately as I talked about August before, August has gotten away from me, but, for me it's always an ongoing, I don't wanna say struggle, it's an ongoing, um, Something that has to be ongoing for me to look at.

Like, it's not something I do set up and then I'm just fine. Like, I do this thing, or I go for that walk every day, or I work out, you know, regularly and all that. Like, I have to constantly kind of reflect on how things are going. See, you know, see where things are changing. 'cause my schedule has adjusted so much over the past, like two years going from corporate working to all the time at home working. And, I've gone through many different iterations of my self-care or my, um, taking care of myself in prioritizing that over the last two years because it's a learning process for me. [00:14:00]Like it's brand new. Like I, I have to figure this out and figure out what works best and my schedule's constantly changing and, you know, how do I adapt to that and flow with it. So that's been a struggle for me. But, you know, the one thing that has been consistent is, I'm constantly looking at it and being like, okay, where did I get off here? What can, what can I do today, this coming week to get back on track and continue to work on it.

And being a little bit, um, forgiving to myself I think is important for me especially. To be able to keep up with it. Because if I'm not, if I, I used to just beat myself up and then not think about it for a month. But, I'm like, okay, I'm not perfect. I'm working on it. I'm figuring it out, and what can I do today to figure it out?

What can I do this coming week?

Steph: So are you more of a manage the stuff day by day so you can kind of be flexible and let it evolve with your schedule, with your day-to-day, week to week.

Kevin: [00:15:00] Yeah, I try and I say bookend my days. Like I try and have a morning routine and an evening routine.

My evening routine's. Okay, but I need to get back to a morning routine now. Um, and I, I can, I can pinpoint the time it got off. It's when my back went out in May. I was doing well and that kind of threw me off and it's been hard to get back, uh, ever since it's kind of been a struggle, uh, with my schedule.

So I need to focus on like prioritizing that first bookend, prioritizing my morning and making sure that I do the things that I want to do. I like to work out in some fashion. I like to, whether that's just stretching yoga or getting outside for a walk or, or lifting some weights. Um, I like to read with my cup of coffee and uh, you know, it's things like that.

So it's getting back to that . It's 'cause my schedule changes so much where sometimes I don't have anything till 11 o'clock. Sometimes I have something at 8:00 AM or 7:00 AM that I have to do. So, adapting to [00:16:00] that flow too is needed. What about you?

Steph: Yeah. Um, yeah, for me I would say I like to manage this kind of thing in buckets.

So there are like day-to-day things that I do. There are week to week things that I do, and then, like more periodic things. I do really well with structure, I do really well with like rituals, routines, and stuff like that. Uh, I too have had some trouble moving into like moving from corporate to the full-time coaching world because, you know, I offer a variety of different times that I'm available to accommodate clients across the the globe. Um, so I have like very early time slots. I have kind of later in the evening time slots and those vary. So what I find to be most effective for me is time blocking and selecting from, I have kind of this menu of

I don't wanna call 'em [00:17:00] tasks, but like activities or tasks or things to do or whatever that will contribute to my wellbeing in some way. So I have like non-negotiables, like bedtime is non-negotiable for me. Being tired is one of my biggest triggers for wanting to drink. And it like takes me back to the place of when I was dealing with chronic fatigue.

It's just, it's bad. And that's what I'm going through now with my knee because being in chronic pain is tiring. So I'm like very, very, very tired. Um, so like, You know, bedtime is non-negotiable for me. Maybe once a quarter if we go to see like a musical or something special, you know, but I'll be like preparing ahead for that.

Um, and then for non-negotiables, I. Like I said, time blocking. So I might have some sort of movement goals. I'll have something to challenge or stretch my brain a little bit. Maybe something for personal growth and maybe [00:18:00]something productive around the house. Like I might break up my day like that.

And that helps me feel like a good combination of grounded and calm and centered and like, I'm taking care of stuff. That's, that feels important to me regardless of how important it's so yeah, I mean, I guess that. It's kind of a long-winded answer, but like, day to day it would look like that.

And something like today, I, I don't wanna call it a to-do list, but it kind of is so today I'm gonna be doing stretching. I have like a ton of. My body's compensating for this busted knee. So things are really, really sore. So I'm gonna like foam roll and do some stretches and stuff like that.

That's like my movement goal. And then I'm going to do some menu planning and food prep and, we're meeting up with a friend later, so I'll probably take a nap because we're going out. I'm gonna be social and we're talking this morning and then like two big talking sessions is [00:19:00] like, yeah. I'm an introvert.

I know I'm gonna need to nap in between that. So that's probably like my, like how I'm gonna manage it today. And then, like I said, weekly, it'll be, getting in nature is the big thing for me. So it used to be hiking. Now I'm just kind of driving to the park and looking at the lake. Um, Game night with friends, stuff like that.

And then the bigger periodic things would be like camping trips or something like that. So that's, that's how I go about prioritizing myself. Um, and then I kind of wanna move into like how we, how we can view it as a selfless act too.

Kevin: Yeah. I just wanted to comment on I like how you threw out a couple things, like almost non-negotiable or key things that you need, right?

Like a non-negotiable is bed. Like I have to prioritize that. If we have one of those things that is non-negotiable that we do, make sure that's the one priority if I can do that [00:20:00] thing. I heard someone in a meeting say once, like we were talking about morning routines, and he's, he said my morning routine starts the night before.

And I love that. Because if we don't, I. Get to bed, at a regular time. If we don't have a set routine and all that we're not gonna be very successful in the morning either. But also like recognizing I need to get out in nature. Like I, I need certain things and then how then you can go about prioritizing it.

But I also love how you said about The menu, not like food menu, but like you have a menu of things that you can choose from. I think it's so important to have options because if we set out and say, I'm gonna do this tonight, or I'm gonna do this, but then you get to that point in time that you blocked off and you don't feel like it, it's like, okay my energy isn't there for that.

Right? But I have these other options that I can utilize or that I can, uh, reach for at that time. So giving ourself options too, not just setting in stone. Like, I have to go for a 30 minute run at this time. Because you get to that time and you're like, Ugh, I don't feel like doing that.

My [00:21:00] body doesn't feel like doing that. You know? Okay. Maybe I'll do, maybe I'll stretch, foam roll, that type of thing.

Steph: Yeah, that's exactly it. Because I mean, in my nutrition practice, I run into this all the time. So many of the women I work with are like me. This like type a, high performing, high achieving, and you know, the tendency is to push through whatever it is we're feeling.

And one of the many things we learn in recovery is how that tendency to push through or wear ourselves too thin. Um, Is a reason, one of the reasons why we might wanna drink to tune out. It's the only time we let our brains turn off. And so, you know, a lot of what I do with my clients is making sure they have the permission to rest. Like skipping a workout sometimes is self-care or prioritizing yourself if you didn't sleep well, or if you had a busy day or you're, you didn't eat enough that day.

Or something like sometimes it is. [00:22:00] Like the best thing you can do for yourself is to rest, like you said, just maybe a walk, gentle stretching, something like that. For me, especially, I got this knee thing going on, I'm still like really prone to chronic fatigue. I learned a couple years ago that I.

I like having that structure, but there has to be flexibility within it. And that's what I came up with as a solution to that is that menu of options in different categories, you know?

Kevin: Yeah. Love that. Sorry to, I just, I wanted to circle back on that 'cause I thought that was a great, uh, point.

Steph: No, I'm glad. Yeah, I'm glad that resonated. I kind of forget about how, like that felt magic to me when I thought about it. Like when I figured it out, I'm like, what if I had structure with flexibility? You know, how do I do that?

Kevin: Yeah, and it's funny 'cause in May whenever my back went out, I was on day two of the 75 hard challenge.

Um, and my back didn't go out because of the 75 hard challenge. It just, it was, it was ready to go out I found. Um, [00:23:00] but that's a very structured, specific, Thing that you have to do. There's flexibility with what you do and in it. But, um, but because of that, I came up with my own challenge, which I'm not gonna talk about here, but I'm gonna, I'm, I'm starting it like soon because I'm like, okay, I, I've figured out like this, um, similar to doing things 75 hard, like, or whatever, but not like 2 45 minute workouts a day.

It's like, okay, you gotta move each day. But it's setting those low bars So that, okay, as long as I at least stretch for five minutes, you know what? I'm gonna check that box that day. But I have to do something and I have to show up for myself and I have to do it. Most of the times when I show up, I'll probably do more than five minutes.

I'll probably do more than just stretch, but being consistent with it is key for me. Um, so I kind of created my own little challenge. Anybody can do this, right? Create your own challenge and just, you know, figure out what boxes you want to check and. Treat it like a challenge and see if that helps but don't set the bar too high, right? I, I like atomic habits, setting the bar [00:24:00] low, the two minute rule and just, showing up and casting that vote each day. I think it's important, um, because otherwise if, you know, if I miss a day, then it's like, oh, it becomes easier to say, no, I'm not gonna do that tomorrow.

Or it becomes easier to just not do it again and again. So,

Steph: Well, and that's what happens when you set the bar too high too. It's just not sustainable for the long-term to do something like, and I know those challenges aren't set up to be like a long-term way of life. Yeah.

But like I really prefer kind of what you're talking about here, where it's like, how can I just get more health promoting habits and during my day that isn't a complete like, Lifestyle overhaul and where I have the permission to just stretch for five minutes and do five minutes of breath work or something.

Yeah. And that's, you know, considered a win because when it turns into something that's like so intense and whatever, I feel like the tendency would be either to, yeah. It's easy to skip days and then just be like, [00:25:00] screw it. I already, like, I already messed this up. Yeah. Or when it's done, you're like, okay, now I need to rest.

And you kind of teeter-totter between these two extremes where I'm either like all in on all the health stuff or I am, you know, on the other end and not doing anything. And so, That Atomic habits idea, what you're talking about here, where you're just slowly like building up consistency, like I always say, it's like consistency and commitment is the key, like the stuff that makes long-term health differences.

It's really boring. It's like the stuff that you're talking about right now. You know, are you having enough water? Are you moving your body a little bit? Are you going to sleep? Like,

Kevin: yeah. Are you, are you reading a book or doing like a, a project that you enjoy or something like that? Yeah.

Steph: Yeah, exactly. So I don't know.

Kevin: Consistency is key. And actually that's, uh, we might be adding that a challenge to the app and I'm [00:26:00]calling it the consistency challenge. Oh. So based on that, like, hey, just show up and let's work on this thing that you wanna work on for the next, uh, you know, few weeks.

Steph: I love that.

That's like showing up with intention, with purpose. I like to say like by design, like you're, you're doing the thing by design. You're designing it that way. Um, that's a word that I use too for partially why I wanted to become alcohol free too is like I wanted to live my life by design.

I, I didn't want it like dictated by something else, and so dependent on how I was feeling that day and stuff like that. Yeah, I love that. A consistency challenge. That's a good one. And that's another one that's like, could sound really boring, but would be really, really effective as long as people looked at it that way, so.

Yep. All right. So let's talk about how, I mean, especially you, you have a family. I just, I have my husband, I don't have any kids. Tons of dogs and house plants, [00:27:00] but no kids. Um, just say, how many dogs do you have? Uh, just three. Just three at the moment. I think my husband will leave me if I get any more at this point.

So, yeah. Uh, yeah, just the three. But I wanna talk about how I. One of the biggest things we hear is people feeling guilty or feeling like they're being selfish when they do things like what we're talking about, like prioritizing themselves. So how do you reframe it from selfish to selfless?

Kevin: Yeah, again, it's like the term I'm big on, I guess, terminology. I'm finding, uh, it like self-care and selfish and selfless. And because I, you know, self selfish is when we care only about ourself to, to the detriment of everyone else almost I. Selfless is caring about everybody else through the detriment of us, perhaps.

Um, and I say perhaps because it's not necessarily to our detriment, um, just like being selfish [00:28:00] and taking care of ourself isn't to others detriment. I heard this once and somebody talking about like being selfish and taking care of you isn't selfish or, or they, they reframed it as being positively selfish.

And I've always loved that because the way I've looked at it for myself was, um, I felt like I was being selfish whenever I first started on my journey with addressing alcohol in my life. Figuring out where I was going with it, what I was doing and all that. I would take time to, you know, go to bed early.

Uh, and, and I remember going to my wife sometimes and being, it was like seven 30, and I was like, Hey, do you need me to do anything else tonight? She's like, no we're in. And she's upstairs doing homework or something. I'm like, all right, I'm going to bed. Because I just.

Was done for the day. But, you know, take it, it's sometimes hard because there's days when, you know, maybe she's outta town. And I was like, I can't do that. And, and, you know, I'm trying to prioritize myself [00:29:00] might have felt more selfish, uh, because I had these other obligations and sometimes we just can't do it.

Right. I mean, we have work, we have Kids, we have other obligations, you know, the dog, you know, we can't, can't sleep in 'cause the dog just need walked and fed and, and all that. But, reframing Selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing. And I had to look at it as, you know what? I was selfish before when I was drinking and I never cared.

I never thought of it that way, but I was taking away from, even though maybe I was drinking at night, mostly by myself and, you know, just after work type of thing, everybody's in bed. So I wasn't bothering anybody. That rolled into the next day, that drained my energy that, you know, led to a hangover on the weekend when I was like, ah, you know, I'm just gonna skip the, the first game today.

There's another one later I'll go to and stuff like that. So it was looking at it and being like, you know what? I was being selfish before and it wasn't positive at all. [00:30:00] So, if I'm taking care of myself and working on this, it's not a bad thing. So I, I tried to, Look at it that way, that this was, it's like put, you know, alright, cliche time, put your oxygen mask on first.

Right? That's something that I've said time and time again because it's a great example of you need to make sure that you're okay so that you can make sure everybody else is okay and that might not be, Getting a massage and going out for an hour walk in nature and doing all those things.

But it could be five minutes getting into my bedroom and laying down on my bed and doing a breathing exercise because I'm so stressed out and frustrated at that time that I'm like, this is only gonna, I'm only gonna take it out on other people. I need to get away. I had to reframe it as I, I gotta stop saying reframe.

Um. It's not intended. Uh, but I, I had to reframe it as like, this doesn't have to be me, you know, meditating for 20 minutes on a mat somewhere. It can be just getting outside for a minute or getting [00:31:00] up from my desk at work and walking around or going downstairs and grabbing a coffee and taking a couple moments to myself, uh, to just check in and see how I'm doing.

But yeah, I had to think differently about it. But what about you? How did that show up for you, like maybe before and after starting down this path?

Steph: Yeah. Well first I love what you said about it not having to be something big either. Like a lot of times it's just learning the skill of checking in with yourself and being a, like, being able to identify what it is you're feeling at that moment and what it is you need at that moment, or can, schedule for later.

Do you need to put a pin in it or, and come back to it later? Or do you need to go do breath work? The better at that skill that you get, the quicker you can recover from it. So, you know your example, I get super stressed out. I know I'll take this out on people later. If I don't take care of it.[00:32:00]

I'm gonna go do some breath work for five minutes. It's a five minute activity where. If you let that build and build and build, maybe like anything else you're gonna encounter is gonna add more stress to that. No matter if it's a stressful situation or not, that's like your state of being, you know? So when you can like nip it in the bud, that's, it just becomes really effective that way.

Kevin: Yeah. I always look at that like, sorry, I always look at that as like, it builds, right? Stress is gonna build up and if we don't vent it and reduce it somehow it's going to come out in some way. Maybe it's, we, you know, we, we drink when we don't want to. Maybe it's, we, uh, get angry more easily, but it's going to come out somewhere, so we need to address it.

And so if it builds and builds, like how can we vent it a little bit here and there. Vent that pressure and, uh, let it escape a little bit.

Steph: Yeah, I'm picturing my pressure cooker. You know, you have to like press that thing. Yeah. Like let's the air out. Yeah, that's so [00:33:00] true.

Kevin: It does just flip that thing and Yep.

I love

Steph: that. Yeah. You just need to like relieve the pressure every once in a while and um, yeah, and you're right, it is gonna go somewhere. I mean, that's how I was when I was drinking. I didn't realize how much I was definitely putting other people first and then being resentful about it. I think I realized I was doing that even when I was drinking because I would just, you know, I could be really nasty to my husband when I was drinking and I think I had a bunch of this built up resentment and stuff, and I told him, I wanna quit drinking, but we need to go to couples therapy about this because I have a lot of resentment from stuff, and I don't wanna try to work this out on our own, I'm like afraid I'm gonna be more hurtful and stuff like that.

So, I mean, even before I quit drinking, I already know that I am. I'm saying that I'm taking care of other people first and people pleasing and stuff like that, and that's [00:34:00] true, but then on the other hand, I'm being really nasty about it. And so it, it was kind of an easy decision to make.

If I'm gonna be going to bed early and not doing anything around the house and just listening to my quit lit or whatever, like my first month or two of alcohol free, that's what it was. Like. I would just go to bed. Seven 30, like you said. Like I would just go to bed, listen to my book, read my book, listen to a podcast.

And I didn't care. You know, I basically told my husband I think it's gonna be like this for a while. I think my body has a lot of, I. Recovery it needs to do. And I have a lot of emotions that I've been repressing for a while, so I might be crying for no reason. And I just didn't care. And at the, like looking back, I don't see it as selfish now.

Like what you were talking about, the words do matter, like either selfish or selfless. It's like no, just like everything there. It's a spectrum. Yeah. But when I was in it, I, I viewed it [00:35:00] as being selfish and not caring because I knew that that kind of selfish was better than anything I was doing while I was drinking.

So, like what you said, like the positively selfish or whatever it was like a hundred percent always gonna be better for me and everyone around me if I go to bed early or, you know, Take the dogs for a walk in nature once a week . I don't really think I even answered my own question here.

Kevin: Well, I think you brought up a good thing with the, basically, I don't know if you said call it this, but like asking for help, recognizing the things that you need to work on.

Right. And, and it could be, uh, but I think people need to ask for help. Um, and sometimes that's hard because we wanna do everything, or we're built to, to do, we wanna do all the things, or we think we should do all the things

but, Whenever some things just need to get done. How can I make this easier on myself? And ask that question and [00:36:00] ask for help in other, you know, situations too. Because if we don't ask, we're not gonna get it.

I don't know.

Steph: No, that's really interesting because I wasn't even gonna bring this up because it's like a big meta, uh, societal thing. But I kind of think the, I mean, we're talking about prioritizing ourself, taking care of ourself and I think there can be like a line that's crossed with that where we, where we do stop thinking about like we should be in like community and tribe.

You know, we would be, we wouldn't have to like focus on prioritizing ourself if we didn't live in the society that really promoted the individualism and the pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and everyone for himself. I mean, that's really how we are these days. Yeah. And, and, and

Kevin: social media. I'll throw in there with like, oh, look at, so-and-so doing this, and I need to do that too.

Steph: [00:37:00] Yeah. And even social media where it's like, um, like the self-healing stuff and stuff like that, like I don't. I guess I just wanna call attention to the fact that I do think that we, it's important to pay attention to community and we were, we evolved because we were part of tribes we, and that's why we have this need to fit in.

But, um, you know, if we lived more like a tribal community, we probably wouldn't have to focus on prioritizing ourself because others would be, Attuned to that and be like, oh, Steph needs food this week. She has a busted knee and she's very tired and she needs that. And like, I wouldn't have to be in charge of it as much, but that's just, that's not the way it is.

So yeah, that's a roundabout way of saying I agree, asking for help is important and we really shouldn't have to do it on our own, but it's like we're indoctrinated to be self-sufficient [00:38:00] and so, yeah. I think these are just solutions to the reality and instead of like, what I think would be a more ideal way of, you know, of existing.

Yeah.

Kevin: Yeah. I mean 'cause you know, somebody listening to I know is going to be, I. I can't do that. I can't take it. I can't prioritize myself. I can't ask for help. I can't, I have nobody to help me in that. But it's like, you know, we have to just, how can we, and it's not about changing our whole world in one day, right?

Or one month or in, in 60 days or 21 days. It's, how can I just start small? Like what's one, what's some little things that we can do to help ourself along the way. Uh, it's, it's not going to, you know, we, it's just like with, uh, with drinking alcohol, like, it, it doesn't just happen, you know, we don't just start one day and it happens, right?

It's gradual over time, this buildup, and it's a gradual process to unwind that and, and work on our relationship with that. Just like with everything else [00:39:00] and everyone else. It's like, okay, well how can I, how can I just, you know, Change one thing today, like one little thing. Again, it's, it goes back to the, I don't have to, you know, go for a, an an hour run.

I can just stretch for five minutes type of thing. It's like I need to start small. I need to, you know, start with the day-to-day changes as best I can. I. And ask for help as best I can.

Steph: You're just stealing from my tip of the week.

Kevin: I'm sorry, I'll shut up.

Steph: That's okay. Um, I mean that's a per, I can

Kevin: cut this out.

Steph: No, it's a perfect segue though, 'cause that, I mean, we will move on. Let's move on to Tip of the week. Yeah. Are you ready for that? Um, So tip of the week in this segment, we'll give you one tip. You can take action on this week to move your life forward. And my tip for you this week is to pick one small way that you can prioritize yourself on a daily basis.

And just like Kevin said, even if it's just five minutes of [00:40:00] breathing and stretching we want you to commit to implementing that into your routine. Um, just five minutes a day. So, That's

Kevin: it for me. I swear I did not read that beforehand. I missed that, so I I was not stealing your thunder. Um, it's okay.

But that's, I mean, that's a great tip because Right. It, it is that thing that we feel, we can feel so overwhelmed, you know, with this. So it's like, I can never, we get in that thought of like, I can never do this. I can never change this. And, you know, it's just, we have to start somewhere. So.

Steph: Yeah, that's, I mean, that's like another topic I want us to do is the, the desire to do everything at once or have some kind of deadline associated with, oh, I'm gonna be personal growth by X date, or, you know, whatever.

And just, yeah,

Kevin: personal growth. I'm gonna cut back to [00:41:00] here by this date. I'm gonna quit drinking by this date. I'm just gonna mm-hmm. Things are gonna work out. Yeah. I've, I've learned that. All those dates that we make up for ourself are arbitrary and they're self-made, and they're, and, and we've, we push ourself to do it.

And you know, I kind of, for myself, I kind of just come, go with the, you know, what it takes as long as it takes kind of mentality. Uh, it'll be done when it's done and it's never done which can be, yeah, that's the spoiler. Yeah. It can be scary, but, um, but again, it's like, you know, uh, this month has been, um, You know, a train wreck with all my, with my bookends as I, as I stated before, but I know I can get back to it.

I know I recognized it and I'm working on it, and we'll see, and hopefully it'll come out better because of it. I learned new things that I need to focus on this month.

Steph: Yeah, maybe your goal is five minutes before of a new, like, morning routine stuff just to Yeah. Inch inch your way in [00:42:00] there.

Kevin: The inches. Yep.

All right, Steph, I think that's a wrap for today. That's it for this episode of the re frameable podcast. Thank you all for listening to this week's episode brought to you by the Reframe app.

Reframe is the number one iOS app to help you cut back or quit drinking alcohol. It uses neuroscience to reframe your relationship with alcohol and unlock the healthiest, happiest you. If you're enjoying this podcast, please like, subscribe and share with those that you feel may benefit from it. If you have a topic you'd like us to cover on the podcast, send an email to podcast@reframeapp.com.

And as Steph said in the beginning, your questions and comments will be kept anonymous, or if you're on the Reframe app, and give it a shake and let us know by asking a question there. I wanna thank you again for listening and be sure to come back next week for another episode. Have a great day.

Steph: Bye.

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