Emotional Permanence: The Thread That Ties Us Together
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Picture your best friend, partner, or a close family member. Now, imagine them in the middle of a hectic day — they’re juggling calls, wrapping up meetings, and trying to meet a looming deadline. In the middle of all this, you send them a text expressing that you're having a tough day and could use some cheer. They read it but don't reply immediately. Minutes turn into hours, and the response never comes. You start to wonder: “Do they still care about me?”
The psychological concept in play is emotional permanence. Understanding it can help alleviate the anxiety that can arise in situations like the one described above.
Emotional permanence is the understanding that people's emotions — such as their love for you — continue to exist even when they are not immediately observable. In other words, just because someone isn't around to tell you they love you at this very moment doesn't mean they don't care for you anymore.
Emotional permanence is a linchpin in healthy relationships: it ensures trust, creates a sense of security, and strengthens bonds. Understanding this concept can put us at ease when a loved one is not actively showing their affection. Just because we don’t get an immediate response doesn't mean their feelings have changed or they have abandoned us — they might just be having a busy day!
It sounds simple, but this concept is often trickier than it appears. Many of us struggle with feelings of uncertainty about the constancy of others' affections when they're not physically near us.
What causes emotional permanence? The answer lies deep within our brain, in an area known as the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is responsible for higher cognitive functions such as decision-making, empathy, and — most importantly for today’s topic — the understanding of permanence.
A child’s first developmental milestone is “object permanence” — an idea that children learn at an early age, usually by the age of two. This is what peek-a-boo is all about: understanding that objects continue to exist even when they vanish out of sight. We learn that things that go out of sight usually don’t disappear for good — now we see it, now we don’t, but we probably will see it again. For example, when mom leaves the room, she hasn't ceased to exist; she's just watering the plants outside
Emotional permanence, in comparison, is a bit more complex. Unlike object permanence, it's not necessarily a milestone that we all hit at a certain age: it continues to develop as we mature, and it’s tied closely to our personal experiences, emotional intelligence, and mental health.
Emotional permanence is the bedrock of our social interactions and emotional stability. Research has shown that it’s a critical component of secure attachment in adults, influencing our friendships, family ties, and romantic relationships. Securely attached adults trust that their loved ones' feelings for them are enduring — even in their absence.
So why do we — with our fully-developed prefrontal cortex — still struggle with this concept at times? Stress, anxiety, and past experiences can often cloud our judgment and lead us to question the stability of people's emotions towards us.
Insecurity, fear of abandonment, or past experiences of unreliable affection can mess with our emotional permanence. It's natural to feel insecure or anxious occasionally, but when these feelings persist, they can become a roadblock in our emotional well-being.
Moreover, humans are social creatures, wired to connect with others. We thrive on reciprocity in our relationships — the mutual exchange of feelings and actions. When this reciprocity is disturbed or doubted (with or without a reason), it can make us question our value in the relationship.
Over time, losing our emotional GPS can lead to abandonment issues. We are left feeling adrift and can end up interpreting every missed phone call or unanswered text as rejection or abandonment.
So what are some ways we can give our emotional permanence a boost? Here are a few ideas that can help:
Emotional permanence is an invisible thread that connects us to our loved ones. With practice and patience, we can cultivate it and foster deeper, healthier relationships
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