What Does It Mean To ‘Enable’ An Alcoholic?
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Have you found yourself overwhelmed trying to help someone struggling with alcohol addiction? Are you wondering why nothing you do is helping them change their behavior?
Empathy is an important part of human connection; it hurts to see someone struggle. But in our efforts to care for someone with addiction, we may actually be enabling them. Enabling supports and sustains an individual’s addiction (even though this isn’t our intent!), but there are ways to channel our care into more helpful behaviors. In this blog, we’ll learn more about enabling behaviors, how to recognize them in ourselves, and how to help our loved one constructively.
Enabling is any behavior or action that allows our loved one to avoid the consequences of their actions. We enable others by justifying their bad actions or indirectly supporting their harmful behaviors (for example, paying off someone’s alcohol related debts).
Enabling is different from helping, even though they look alike. Helping provides support, assistance, and guidance in overcoming a specific challenge. Enabling directly or indirectly helps someone continue an unhealthy habit or behavior.
Helping empowers someone to escape their circumstance, whereas enabling them gives them permission to stay the same. While it may seem like we are helping the person or nurturing them with compassion, enabling actually makes things worse — and it typically prolongs recovery because it perpetuates the cycle of substance misuse.
The solution may seem simple: stop enabling bad behavior! The reality is more complicated than that, as many of us know. Enabling is unintentional and stems from our want/need to help others, especially when it comes to those we are closest to and most comfortable with.
Justifying our actions as “caring” or “showing love” is natural — and these actions are definitely an expression of our love. We may not be aware that our behaviors are enabling our loved one. Let’s go through some reasons why we find ourselves enabling instead of helping.
We enable those who misuse alcohol for many reasons. Understanding the subconscious thought process behind our actions is a crucial first step towards recognizing and dismantling the cycle of enabling.
We learned what it means to enable someone and why we may do it. Now let’s examine what it looks like when we enable an alcoholic.
Though often unintentional, enabling an alcoholic supports their destructive drinking habits by shielding them from the consequences of their actions. This can take many forms, but there are some common patterns:
We shield our loved one from the consequences of their actions through a wide variety of behaviors, conscious and unconscious. Now that we know what enabling looks like, we can assess if it’s something we’re doing — and learn how to stop.
Sometimes it’s hard to recognize whether we are helping someone or enabling them. We should stop and ask ourselves, “Could they do this for themselves if they were sober?” Let’s go through some examples to help identify if we are enabling.
Reflecting on these questions helps us identify unhealthy enabling behaviors. Letting go of these behaviors can feel scary, especially when we don’t know what to expect.
We often imagine the worst possible scenario when we think about stopping our enabling behaviors. We may worry that they’ll end up in jail or without a home — but in reality, chronic alcohol misuse can be fatal. Ending enabling behaviors is the best way to help our loved one, even if the opposite feels true.
Let’s look at some ways we empower others when we stop enabling.
Helping someone recover from alcohol misuse can be stressful and taxing on everyone involved. Remember that it’s about progress, not perfection. There is an abundance of resources to support both you and your loved one through the recovery process.
There are healthy ways to actively support someone who is misusing alcohol. Let’s take a look.
Letting go of enabling behaviors is not easy. It takes setting boundaries and unlearning destructive patterns of behavior. Here are some things you can do to help an alcoholic:
The shift from enabling to helping is not easy! It’s important to remember the challenge will be worth it for you and the person struggling with alcohol addiction.
1. What is the difference between enabling and helping?
Enabling is completing a task for someone else who would be capable of doing if they were sober. Helping is doing something for someone else that they aren’t capable of doing or that empowers them to develop self-efficacy.
2. Why might I be enabling someone with alcohol use problems?
You could be in a codependent relationship, in denial of the full extent of the problem, feel guilty, feel partially responsible for the situation, or want to protect your loved one.
3. What qualifies as enabling?
Financially assisting someone, not having any boundaries with the person, helping the person avoid consequences, and constantly making excuses for the person’s bad actions.
4. What is an easy way to determine if I am enabling or helping someone?
Ask yourself, “Could the person do this if they were sober?”
5. What is something positive that happens when I stop enabling?
You can take your own life back, and the person with alcohol use disorder will take accountability for their own actions.
6. What is something I can do instead of enabling?
Encourage them to seek help, provide them with information about resources (support groups, therapy), and plan activities that don’t involve alcohol.
Although it isn’t a treatment for alcohol use disorder (AUD), the Reframe app can help you cut back on drinking gradually, with the science-backed knowledge to empower you 100% of the way. Our proven program has helped millions of people around the world drink less and live more. And we want to help you get there, too!
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