All About Al-Anon and Alateen: The Pros and Cons
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In Truly Madly Guilty, author Liane Moriarty paints in poignant detail the inner world of a child growing up with parents who misused alcohol:
“When he was a kid, it used to feel like his parents disappeared when they got drunk. As the levels of their glasses went down, he could sense them pulling away from him, as if they were together on the same boat, slowly pulling away from the shore where Oliver was left stranded … and he'd think, Please don't go, stay here with me, because his real mother was funny and his real father was smart, but they always went. First his dad got stupid and his mum got giggly, and then his mum got nasty and his dad got angry, and so it went until there was no point staying and Oliver went to watch movies in his bedroom.”
If you’ve ever been close to someone struggling with substance misuse, you know what a lonely road it can be. Luckily, there’s help out there for people who find themselves in this difficult situation. One of the main forms of group support for loved ones struggling with alcohol in particular is Al-Anon (and its counterpart, Alateen). But what is the idea behind Al-Anon, and what’s the difference between Al-Anon and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous)? What are Al-Anon meetings and Alateen meetings like, and what are the pros and cons of both? Let’s find out!
Alcohol misuse doesn’t just affect the person who is doing the drinking — it has a ripple effect that can leave a long-lasting, painful mark on families, friend groups, and communities. It can be heartbreaking to watch someone we know and love turn into a person we barely recognize.
And then there are the day-to-day struggles. Living with someone who is misusing alcohol can be unpredictable, exhausting, and often scary. Maybe they don’t realize they have a problem, and their loved ones are left wondering where they are spending their nights (and days). Maybe they’re trying to change their patterns but finding themselves slipping back over and over again. Either way, the days can start to blend together, and it can feel like there’s no end in sight.
Supporting someone in recovery or someone struggling with alcohol misuse can quickly turn into a full-time job (or even more). Trying to help a relative, romantic partner, or close friend can be a daunting task.
A recent Geriatric Medicine paper titled “‘I Can't Live Like That’: The Experience of Caregiver Stress of Caring for a Relative with Substance Use Disorder” found a strong link between stress and caring for someone with substance use disorder. It goes on to explore the unique stressors caregivers face, focusing on marriage problems, violence, economic hardships, and emotional distress that can cause deep rifts within the family.
The paper identifies four common themes among the study participants that highlight the unique pain of those who find themselves in these difficult circumstances, and it goes on to identify ways people have been able to find a light at the end of the tunnel. (Rest assured, there’s hope!)
For children growing up around alcohol misuse, the problem is a bit different, but just as (if not more) challenging. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, as many as 1 in 5 Americans grew up around alcohol misuse. That’s an enormous burden! It’s hard to imagine if we haven’t experienced firsthand what it’s like to face such a serious problem so early in life.
The AACAP explains that children growing up in alcoholic households experience a number of physical and psychological effects:
As a result of this heavy burden, many children are at risk of turning to substances themselves, while others find themselves dealing with problems such as depression and anxiety. Some might even turn to delinquency and end up in trouble with the law.
Not all of the struggles that have to do with someone else’s addiction are necessarily in the present. Trauma left over from the past — for example, growing up with a parent who struggled with alcohol misuse — can leave wounds that feel just as fresh. Dealing with past trauma, in turn, is key to being the best, healthiest, and happiest versions of ourselves.
Thankfully, those of us who have watched loved ones struggle with substance misuse are not alone. In fact, there are many others who have gone through similar experiences, and there are a variety of ways to connect with others who have gone through a similar situation. Connecting with others validates our experience and gives us a roadmap for growth. Let’s explore a few.
Al-Anon’s origins go way back to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and its famous (or infamous, depending on your viewpoint) founder, Bill W. Or, more precisely, they go back to Bill W.’s wife, Lois W., and her close friend Anne B. The women found themselves waiting in their cars while their partners attended AA meetings. They soon realized that they actually had quite a bit to talk about and found that this time was much better spent having a chat of their own — and these chats gave rise to the very first Al-Anon meeting in 1948.
The name “Al-Anon” was coined in 1951 from the first syllables of “Alcoholics Anonymous,” which served as the template for the new group’s meeting structure and core philosophy based on the “12 Steps” of the AA program. Like its parent organization, Al-Anon values the concept of anonymity: as they say in AA, “What you hear here stays here.”
The 12 Steps form the core philosophy of AA and have since been used to help those struggling with a host of other issues, including helping a drinker in their lives. In the case of Al-Anon, the 12 Steps are all about recognizing what is and isn’t our responsibility in order to help someone without enabling them. Here’s a brief summary:
Al-Anon meetings address challenges unique to parents, siblings, romantic partners, and children of those struggling with alcohol misuse. This takes place during free, anonymous meetings that can have a variety of formats. They fall into a few basic types:
These days, online Al-Anon meetings are also an option! These virtual gatherings became more popular during the height of the pandemic, and it seems online meetings are here to stay. They help break down geographical barriers, offering a space for those who may not be able to attend in person due to distance, health, or time constraints.
Al-Anon online meetings can take various forms, including video conferences, phone calls, chat rooms, or forums. They stick to the same principles as their in-person counterparts, ensuring confidentiality and a supportive environment with an added element of flexibility — they allow us to stay engaged from the comfort of our own home via text-based chat, phone call, or video call. The format is the same as in-person meetings, so members feel right at home wherever they go.
While Al-Anon has helped many people, it’s certainly not for everyone and has its pros and cons. Considering them can help you decide if Al-Anon is right for you.
A study in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors titled “Social Processes Explaining the Benefits of Al-Anon Participation” talks about the mechanisms behind Al-Anon’s wins and narrows them down to “support, goal direction, provision of role models, and involvement in rewarding activities.” According to the authors, these social processes account for a number of benefits for newcomers and “old-timers” alike, including better quality of life, more self esteem, less depression, and a greater ability to handle problems related to the drinker.
Let’s look at a few other benefits of Al-Anon.
Of course, everything has its caveats. Let’s look at some common criticisms of Al-Anon.
A study in Addictive Behaviors titled “Newcomers to Al-Anon Family Groups: Who Stays and Who Drops Out?” talks about this issue in more detail. The authors analyzed dropout rates of Al-Anon newcomers and found that often “philosophical differences” were the reason the group wasn’t the right fit for a prospective member.
Specifically, those who ended up leaving were worried about the psychological fallout for their drinker if they were to dive into the group’s approach head-on. For example, the concept of powerlessness and the emphasis on the need for lifelong attendance were often cited as the reason Al-Anon was ultimately a no-go for some.
Some have suggested outright that Al-Anon may be dangerous. While it’s unlikely to pose an actual threat, it makes sense to use basic caution when we’re still unfamiliar with a new situation. It’s always completely fine to opt out of a meeting if we’re feeling uncomfortable in any way — there should be no pressure to stay or to share anything we’re not ready to.
Unlike Al-Anon, Alateen focuses on teenagers dealing with a family member's alcohol misuse. It was established in 1955 when challenges unique to children growing up around alcohol misuse came up during the AA International Convention in St. Louis. It took another couple of years of planning, but in 1957 the first Alateen group was started in California by a teenager whose parents were members of AA and Al-Anon. By 1962, there were 203 similar groups going in full swing around the world!
Like AA and Al-Anon, Alateen is based on the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, which are the same as the original but are presented in a form that’s geared toward younger folks.
Alateen meetings follow the same general format as other 12-Step programs but with teenagers in mind. Sharing and listening to others plays an important role, as do confidentiality and safety. Many participants are, unfortunately, coming from homes where safety is not a given, so creating a nurturing and supportive environment is crucial.
Like Al-Anon, Alateen has pros and cons, and it’s not for everyone.
If you decide that Al-Anon or Alateen isn’t the right fit for you, there are other options available!
Finally, here are some tips for those who are on an alcohol journey of their own. Often the best support can be provided by those who have faced the same struggle themselves, but that doesn’t mean your own needs should be neglected, even if you’re doing well when it comes to your own recovery.
In the end, we have to recognize that life is a series of choices, and ultimately we have to make our own. We can’t change someone else (as much as we would sometimes love to), but we do have a lot of control over how we choose to see the situation and our role in it. As writer Kami Garcia says in Beautiful Darkness, “We don't get to choose what is true. We only get to choose what we do about it.”
1. Why is it difficult to care for someone struggling with alcohol misuse?
Caring for a loved one who is drinking excessively can feel like a full-time job and can be overwhelming for one person. Caregivers face problems such as living in constant fear, not having time for self-care, and neglecting their own needs and boundaries. This can lead to marriage problems, physical danger, economic hardships, and emotional distress.
2. What is the purpose of Al-Anon and Alateen?
Al-Anon and Alateen serve as support groups for families and friends of those struggling with alcohol misuse. Their purpose is to provide emotional support, coping strategies, and a safe space for sharing experiences related to the impact of alcohol misuse on their lives. Al-Anon is geared toward adults, while Alateen is specifically for teenagers.
3. How do Al-Anon and Alateen differ from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)?
While AA is designed to help individuals with alcohol addiction directly, Al-Anon and Alateen focus on supporting the loved ones of those with alcohol misuse issues. They offer a space to share experiences and learn from others who are in similar situations. That said, many members of Al-Anon are also on their own sobriety journey and may be members of AA as well.
4. What are the benefits of attending Al-Anon or Alateen meetings?
Attendees can expect emotional support from people who understand their situation, learn coping strategies for dealing with a loved one's alcohol misuse, find a safe space to process difficult emotions, benefit from anonymity, and participate without any cost. These meetings provide a community of individuals facing similar challenges, offering mutual support and understanding.
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