How To Forgive Others: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitter Feelings
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You just can’t seem to move past it. You play it over and over in your mind: the words they said, the things they did, the pain they inflicted. And the more you think about it, the more enraged you become. You think to yourself, “There’s just no way I can forgive them. They’ve gone too far!”
Many of us struggle with forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt in one way or the other by the actions or words of another. But by holding onto that hurt, we actually end up hurting ourselves more.
In this post, we’ll explore the importance of forgiveness, and how forgiving others is beneficial for our physical, mental, and emotional health. We’ll also look at practical steps we can take to practice forgiveness. Let’s get started!
Contrary to what most people think, forgiveness is more about healing ourselves than another person. It’s a way to let go of grudges, hurt and bitterness so that we can live healthy, happy lives. After all, holding onto resentment doesn’t harm the other person, it only harms us.
Part of the trouble with forgiveness is that people think that they have to feel a certain way to forgive someone. But forgiveness is a choice — it’s a decision we can make regardless of our feelings and emotions. It’s very much an active process in which we consciously decide to let go of negative feelings, whether or not the person who hurt us “deserves” it.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we forget or excuse the harm that was done to us. It also doesn’t always mean that we make up with the person who caused us pain. Instead, it means that we choose to free ourselves from the pain the other person caused us. Doing so brings a certain kind of peace that allows us to focus on ourselves and move forward with our life.
As the author Lewis B. Smedes once wrote, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Holding a grudge against someone who did us wrong can feel good. There’s often a feeling of strength and righteousness in remaining angry and not forgiving the person, especially if they’ve never apologized or acknowledged their wrongdoing in any way.
But when we hold a grudge and struggle to forgive, we actually do ourselves a disservice. There’s a reason for the saying, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." It’s true.
In fact, people who struggle with forgiveness tend to bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. They also tend to become depressed, irritable and anxious, becoming so wrapped up in the wrong that they can’t enjoy the present.
Chronic anger puts us into a fight-or-flight mode, which creates numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes can lead to worsening physical health, such as heart disease and diabetes.
On the other hand, research shows that forgiveness lowers stress levels, improving physical health and increasing peace of mind. Among the documented benefits of forgiveness are healthier relationships, less anxiety and stress, fewer symptoms of depression, lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, improved heart health, and improved self-esteem.
One study explored the relationship among stress, forgiveness, and well-being. Researchers expected that people with greater lifetime stress would have greater mental health difficulties. However, one subset of people with greater lifetime stress had no correlating mental health issues: people who exhibited greater levels of forgiveness. Surprisingly, their higher level of forgiveness seemed to completely negate their lifetime of high stress. Forgiveness made all the difference.
Here’s a closer look at some of the benefits of forgiveness:
Peace: Forgiveness can bring us peace by helping to heal deep wounds and release us from negative emotions and stress. When we forgive someone, it might feel like we’re doing it for their benefit, but we’re really doing it to help ourselves. Forgiveness allows us to invite peace into our heart, and shed unhelpful feelings of distress.
Power: Forgiveness allows us to reclaim our power. Sometimes hurtful events or trauma can cause patterns of self-destruction. When someone has wronged us, we might feel that there’s nothing we can do about it. This creates a “victim mentality” that leaves us powerless. When we choose forgiveness, we retake control of our life and give ourselves permission to move on.
Connection: Forgiveness can help improve connections with other people. Resentment and anger toward someone affect our relationship with that person, of course, but those feelings seep into our other relationships too. We might have a short temper or have difficulty trusting people. Forgiveness frees us to become more loving and compassionate in all our relationships.
Positivity: Forgiveness can help us ruminate less, which improves our psychological health. The act of not forgiving is typically characterized by rumination, in which we mentally replay events over and over. These repetitive thoughts can eventually lead to anxiety and depression, or psychosomatic disorders in which stress and anxiety cause physical ailments like stomach pain or migraines. When we forgive, we free up space in our mind to think positive, healthier thoughts.
Ok, forgiveness is important — so how does it work? First and foremost, we have to choose to forgive, recognizing that it’s something that we can do to help ourselves move forward and heal.
Forgiveness expert Dr. Robert D. Enright outlined 4 phases of the journey to forgiving a specific person:
So what about practical tips for forgiving others — what does that look like? If we’re not used to forgiving others, it can be challenging. But, as with most anything else, it gets easier with practice.
We can start by learning to become what Dr. Robert Enright calls “forgivingly fit.” Just as we would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if we build up our forgiving heart “muscles” slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into our everyday life. Here are 7 tips:
Keep in mind that forgiveness is a process. It may not be easy at first, but as we strengthen our forgiveness muscles, it will start to come more naturally.
Forgiveness is a choice we make to free us from the burden of having to carry something that only causes us more pain. Holding onto grudges doesn’t hurt the other person — it only hurts us. Even if we don’t feel like forgiving another person, we can make the choice to do so, knowing that it is beneficial for our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Practicing compassion and empathy are crucial to the forgiveness process once we process our emotions and make the decision to forgive.
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1. What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a choice we make to free us from the burden of having to carry something that is only causing us more pain.
2. Why is forgiveness important?
Research shows that forgiveness is beneficial for our physical, mental, and emotional health. Among the documented benefits of forgiveness are healthier relationships, less anxiety and stress, fewer symptoms of depression, lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, improved heart health, and improved self-esteem.
3. What are the phases of forgiveness?
Forgiveness expert Dr. Robert D. Enright identified four phases of forgiveness that we pass through on our journey: the uncovering phase, in which we become aware of our emotional pain; the decisions phase, in which we make the choice to forgive; the work phase, in which we actively work to forgive; and the outcome/deepening phase, in which we experience healing from forgiveness.
4. What are some practical tips for forgiving others?
We can work toward forgiving others by becoming “forgivingly fit,” exercising our forgiving muscles in small ways. This includes avoiding negative talk about the person who harmed us, adjusting our perspective to recognize the value of all humans, practicing empathy, focusing on the good, working toward our own happiness, showing grace, and forgiving ourselves.
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