How To Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Maria is scrolling through Instagram while waiting for her coffee to brew. One friend just ran a marathon, another is on a Caribbean holiday, and yet another got promoted — complete with a corner office. In what seems like a split second, Maria feels like she's failed at life. Sound familiar?

This urge to compare ourselves to others is as old as human interaction itself. The difference is that in the digital age, everyone's "highlight reel" is constantly on display. But let's get real for a minute — such comparisons rarely ever make anyone feel better. So how can we shift from this counterproductive mindset to one that promotes genuine self-improvement?

Comparing Yourself to Others While Cutting Back or Quitting

Embarking on a journey to cut back on or quit alcohol is a commendable endeavor. Yet, this path often gets laden with an unexpected roadblock: the tendency to compare ourselves to others. Whether it's seeing a friend breeze through Dry January without a hiccup or reading about someone's seemingly insurmountable path to sobriety, the examples seem endless. This raises an intriguing question: Why, precisely when we are trying to improve, is there a compelling pull to juxtapose our progress with others? Let’s explore five common reasons why we compare ourselves to others.

A Quest for Validation

When it comes to changing our habits, this is a deeply personal journey, but it also occurs within a broader social context. Many people seek external validation to confirm that they are on the right track. When this quest for assurance meets the complex realities of human behavior, the stage is set for comparison. "Am I doing as well as others? Is my progress fast enough?" These are questions fueled by the need to externally validate the internal changes we are trying to make.

The Social Mirror

Humans are inherently social creatures, driven by millennia of evolution to rely on communal living for survival. Back in prehistoric times, comparing oneself to others served practical purposes, like assessing threats or social standing. In modern society, the threats have changed from predatory animals to fears of inadequacy and failure. The brain, however, still uses the same old mechanisms to gauge these modern “threats,” leading to the habitual act of comparison, even when it's counterproductive.

Coping Mechanisms and Cognitive Dissonance

Confronting the need to change a habit often induces a psychological stress known as cognitive dissonance — in which our actions are not in harmony with our beliefs or aspirations. People are innately driven to resolve this uncomfortable state, and comparing ourselves to others can serve as a temporary coping mechanism. For instance, seeing someone struggle more with quitting or cutting back might provide momentary relief, reinforcing the thought, "Well, at least I'm not as bad as that person." Unfortunately, this type of comparison only offers a fleeting escape from the dissonance and can be detrimental in the long run.

Timeline Misalignment

When it comes to changing our drinking habits, everyone has a different timeline. Yet, it's easy to forget this, especially when constantly bombarded by success stories and highlight reels. Many of us fall into the trap of synchronizing our expectations with these showcased timelines, ignoring the fact that each person's journey is as unique as their DNA. Such comparison can result in demotivation and even derailment from our path.

The Loop of Instant Gratification

In today's world of quick fixes and instant results, patience is often in short supply. Comparing offers an immediate, though flawed, sense of where we stand, providing instant gratification or instant despair. Either way, it's a rapid emotional response in a situation where slow, steady progress is generally the rule rather than the exception.

Understanding the deep-seated reasons behind the impulse to compare can be enlightening and liberating. When we become aware of why we are doing it, we gain the ability to catch ourselves in the act and redirect our focus to what truly matters: our unique journey towards a healthier, happier life.

Comparing Yourself to Others: What the Science Says

Before delving into ways to steer clear of the comparison pitfall, let's explore why this behavior is so ingrained in the first place. Believe it or not, the compulsion to compare is not just a byproduct of modern society or cultural programming; it's far more primal and resides deep within the brain's wiring.

The Role of Brain Regions

When we scroll through a feed full of life milestones and enviable photos, the medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) and the amygdala go into overdrive. The mPFC is a crucial hub for social cognition, which involves understanding social situations, perceiving others' intentions, and even self-referential thoughts. This area of the brain processes the complex social information presented during such comparisons.

The amygdala, on the other hand, is more associated with emotional responses. This almond-shaped cluster of nuclei handles emotions like fear, anxiety, and sadness. When one person's life appears better than ours, the amygdala is what generates those emotions of inferiority, envy, or even resentment.

The Neurochemical Cocktail

The comparison game is also fueled by a cocktail of neurochemicals. Dopamine, the "feel-good" neurotransmitter, plays a role in reinforcing behavior. When we compare and feel superior, dopamine levels surge, offering a rewarding sensation. On the flip side, when the comparison feels unfavorable, cortisol, the stress hormone, spikes, putting the body in a state of heightened stress. Over time, these chemical fluctuations can take a toll on mental well-being, making us more susceptible to mood disorders like depression and anxiety.

The Neuroplasticity Factor

Brains are not rigid; they are plastic, meaning they change and adapt. This characteristic is called neuroplasticity. Unfortunately, while neuroplasticity enables learning and adaptation, it can also reinforce detrimental habits like constant comparison. Every time these emotional and social cognition centers are activated by comparing ourselves to others, neural pathways strengthen, and the habit becomes more ingrained. Essentially, the brain is training itself to continue this pattern of thought, making it increasingly automatic and challenging to break. It’s important to identify and rewire these neural pathways for lasting change that supports our mental well-being.

Cognitive Biases Fuel the Fire

The brain is also notorious for its cognitive biases, and two of these play into the comparison game heavily: the confirmation bias and the negativity bias. Confirmation bias causes us to seek out and remember information that confirms our preexisting beliefs, including our self-worth or lack thereof. Negativity bias is the human tendency to give more weight to negative experiences than positive ones. When comparing ourselves to others, we are more likely to remember instances in which we fell short, rather than the times we actually excelled or were on equal footing.

The Cost of Constant Comparison

Continual activation of these neural pathways and constant flux in neurochemistry come at a cost. Long-term stress and feelings of inadequacy can negatively affect physical health, disrupt sleep patterns, and even dampen immune function. The mental health costs can include spiraling self-esteem and heightened risk for depressive disorders.

Understanding this neuroscience makes it clear why breaking free from the comparison cycle requires more than just "thinking positively." It demands a multi-pronged approach that addresses both the cognitive patterns and the underlying neural pathways. But the good news? Understanding the science also provides the foundation for effective strategies to escape this self-imposed mental trap.

How To Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

So, how do we break free from the comparison trap? Thankfully, there are science-backed steps we can take to set ourselves free.

1. Identify the Trigger Points

The first actionable step in this journey is understanding what sets off the comparison trap. Is it scrolling through Instagram posts of friends flaunting their new homes, jobs, or relationships? Or perhaps it's the family gatherings where Aunt Carol can't help but point out how Cousin Sally just got a big promotion. The trick is to get specific. Instead of saying social media is a problem, identify which platform, what kind of posts, or even which accounts trigger these feelings. Write them down, and notice the patterns.

Once these triggers are known, there are two ways to go about it. The first is to limit exposure. This could mean muting certain accounts, setting screen time limitations, or skipping some social events that are too emotionally taxing. The second is to prepare mentally for unavoidable triggers, maybe by setting an intention before an event or developing a positive mantra to repeat during these moments.

2. Choose Role Models Wisely

Role models can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they can inspire and motivate, serving as living proof of what's possible. On the other hand, they can intimidate and demoralize if they seem to represent unattainable success. So it's crucial to choose role models carefully. Ask whether these individuals spark genuine motivation or simply ignite feelings of inadequacy. Do their life paths seem interesting and exciting, or do they just seem better in a way that fosters envy?

Remember, it's fine to have role models in different aspects of life: a career role model, a fitness role model, even a "parenting style" role model. The key is that these individuals should inspire action and provide a roadmap for specific goals — not serve as benchmarks for self-worth.

3. Practice Mindfulness

One of the most effective ways to combat the comparison impulse is through mindfulness, a mental state achieved by focusing our awareness on the present moment. It's a skill that can be honed through practices like deep breathing, meditation, and even mindful eating. The Reframe app offers quick guided meditation sessions that can be easily incorporated into your daily routines.

The goal here isn’t to block thoughts of comparison or to scold ourselves for having them but to observe these thoughts non-judgmentally. For instance, during meditation, when a thought like "I'll never be as good as them" arises, acknowledge it, and then gently bring the focus back to the breath. With consistent practice, this technique helps in recognizing comparison thoughts as they arise and detaches emotional significance from them, making it easier to let them go.

4. Replace “Should” With “Could”

The words we use have profound implications for our mental health. That's why changing just one word in our internal dialogue can have a transformative impact. Let's talk about the notorious "should," a word that often brings along feelings of inadequacy, obligation, and guilt. "I should have a better job by now," or "I should be as fit as my neighbor," are statements that weigh heavy on the mind.

Now, imagine replacing "should" with "could." This simple change transforms the narrative from one of obligation to one of possibility. "I could have a better job," implies a future filled with opportunities to improve career satisfaction. "I could be as fit as my neighbor," subtly implies choice and control over our actions. With this change in language, the burden of past mistakes or inadequacies shifts toward a more optimistic outlook on future possibilities. It's a mindset shift that has the potential to liberate emotional energy, which can then be channeled into constructive actions.

5. Keep a Gratitude Journal

Sure, it might sound cliché, but the benefits of maintaining a gratitude journal are backed by numerous studies. The act of consistently acknowledging and writing down things to be thankful for shifts our focus away from what's lacking to what's abundant in life. It's the classic “glass half full” perspective, translated into a daily ritual. Head to the “Toolkit” tab of the Reframe app to write your thoughts into the Personal Journal. Within weeks, this simple practice can help reframe your mental orientation from one of scarcity to one of abundance.

6. Revisit Goals Regularly

Comparison often creeps in when there’s a feeling of stagnation or directionlessness. It’s essential to counteract this by regularly revisiting personal and professional goals. Monthly assessments can provide the necessary perspective on how far we have come and how much further there is to go. Reframe’s Drink Tracker or even old-fashioned sticky notes can be handy tools to track these goals. Seeing a visual representation of progress can be a potent antidote to the demoralizing act of comparing ourselves to others. It places the focus back where it truly belongs — on individual growth and fulfillment.

7. Seek Professional Guidance

When the cycle of comparison becomes too overwhelming or paralyzing, seeking professional guidance is a wise step. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has proven to be particularly effective in dealing with issues related to self-esteem and comparison. These therapy sessions can provide personalized strategies to break the negative thought patterns and replace them with more constructive ones. Therapists can also offer different coping mechanisms that are tailored to individual needs, making the journey to self-acceptance smoother and more sustainable.

The Road Ahead

Everyone, at some point, gets entangled in the comparison web. But the good news is that we as humans are incredibly adaptive and resilient. The strategies mentioned above are more than a set of tasks to check off a list; they are a comprehensive roadmap to a more fulfilling life. 

The malleability of the brain offers a beacon of hope, demonstrating that it's never too late to rewire neural pathways steering toward self-doubt and envy. With consistent application of these actionable steps, those pathways can be rerouted toward a destination of self-acceptance, contentment, and happiness. Each step taken on this path is a step away from the debilitating cycle of comparison and a step closer to a healthier, happier self.